I have been asked by a number of people in the past few months if I will continue to write on this blog. The short answer is "Yes!" Here is a longer answer:
A teacher of mine recently shared a story about a time when he was wearing the symbol of Om around his neck. An Indian man came up to him and asked "Do you know what that means?" (I take this to mean "is this another example of cultural appropriation?") My teacher replied, "Yes, this is the symbol Om." The man continued, "Do you know what it means?" To which my teacher replied, "...you know, I always have a hard time putting it into words." The man smiled and said, "Ahh, so you do know."
My experience over the last few months is hard to put into words. I have no doubt that I will return to sharing my thoughts with anyone interested in this blog. Thank you for your patience.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Self and Non-Self
Reviewing Inflammation and Immunity in my Med/Surg textbook this morning I chuckled at the section title "Self and Non-Self" thinking "so different from the Buddhist use of these words." Then I stopped and thought "wait, is that true?"
The terms self and non-self in the textbook are very similar to how we often perceive self and other. In this view we are a solid entity with some permanence until we die. Other is everything else. Foreign proteins are recognized as other and a healthy immune system acts to neutralize the "threat."
Many toxins are not proteins or are not recognized as foreign. Our body does not recognize them as other but they can still do harm to our cells, organs, and bodies. Some harmless foreign proteins trigger an immune response and cause allergies ranging from uncomfortable to life-threatening. Sometimes our bodies own functions are highjacked to propagate more of what caused an infection in the first place. Lastly, sometimes our bodies recognize our own proteins as foreign resulting in autoimmune disorders.
It seems to me that our immune system and our ego function similarly. It serves us well most of the time, but sometimes it misses harmful things because they look familiar, sometimes it is hyperactive and causes more harm than good, sometimes it aids what it is trying to avoid, and sometimes it turns on the self.
When I have asked Buddhist teachers about effective ways to deal with conflict the response is often some form of "work on your self." Buddhism does not teach the shunning of self, but rather a very deep understanding and acceptance of self which leads to the realization that the self is not separate from anything else.
The terms self and non-self in the textbook are very similar to how we often perceive self and other. In this view we are a solid entity with some permanence until we die. Other is everything else. Foreign proteins are recognized as other and a healthy immune system acts to neutralize the "threat."
Many toxins are not proteins or are not recognized as foreign. Our body does not recognize them as other but they can still do harm to our cells, organs, and bodies. Some harmless foreign proteins trigger an immune response and cause allergies ranging from uncomfortable to life-threatening. Sometimes our bodies own functions are highjacked to propagate more of what caused an infection in the first place. Lastly, sometimes our bodies recognize our own proteins as foreign resulting in autoimmune disorders.
It seems to me that our immune system and our ego function similarly. It serves us well most of the time, but sometimes it misses harmful things because they look familiar, sometimes it is hyperactive and causes more harm than good, sometimes it aids what it is trying to avoid, and sometimes it turns on the self.
When I have asked Buddhist teachers about effective ways to deal with conflict the response is often some form of "work on your self." Buddhism does not teach the shunning of self, but rather a very deep understanding and acceptance of self which leads to the realization that the self is not separate from anything else.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Present Action & Future Change
I lay on my back a month ago in a Yin Yoga pose. I was stretching my thighs which have been tight as long as I can remember. Yin has the curious habit of releasing stuck energy in parts of the body and sending this energy as pictures, feelings, emotions, and physical sensations to the brain. In this pose I was overcome with relaxation and release of tension and accompanying positive emotions. I had been having trouble making time for this practice everyday for a few weeks at that point despite knowing that it would feel good and energize me.
Instantly my thoughts turned to "I should do more of this," "I should institutionalize this into my day," "I should make myself get up early every morning and do this before anything else..."
The the irony hit me... By "planning" to take care of myself I moved away from the activity that I was so enjoying. I felt that some of the tension had returned as my thoughts drifted to the future and how I would use tools like schedules and timers to keep me on track and taking care of myself. I am not denying the utility of these tools and the fact that I do and will continue to use them, however, the following occurred to me:
PERHAPS, THE BEST WAY TO CREATE FUTURE ACTION IS TO ACT IN THE DESIRED MANNER PRESENTLY.
It seems obvious to my logical self that getting into patterns of action increase the probability of the action in the future, but there is a difference between knowing something in my head and knowing it in every cell of my body. Laying on the floor I could feel the truth in this thought.
Thich Nhat Hahn speeks of our "habit energies." There is a Zen story about a man riding a galloping horse backwards. A bystander yells after him "where are you going?" to which he replies "I don't know, ask the horse." The horse is our habit energy. Rather than act we often react driven by these energies.
He also describes the seeds that exist in the depths of our unconscious. Seeds for all thoughts and actions exist in each of us. Seeds that are unwholesome such as distrust, betrayal, stealing, etc. reside alongside seeds of love, respect, generosity, and enlightenment. Thich Nhat Hahn describes how we can either water the wholesome seeds or the unwholesome seeds. Watering wholesome seeds takes conscious effort, and the result is in growth of
Since my Yin experience I have been more aware of myriad ways that I act both skillfully (consciously in-line with my values) and unskillfully (runconsciously), and I am noticing the seeds that I am watering with less judgment and less planning for avoiding the actions and thought that cause harm. Instead I find myself catching myself and acting in the present to water the seeds that I want to nourish in the present. I think that may be the most effective way for me to cultivate a life reflective of my values.
I believe that this practice not only helps me, but also benefits those around me and even strangers. This embodies the Buddhist teaching of non-self. No being is truly free until all beings are free. By staying in the present and doing things like Yin I have more energy available to be with others. I saw this in the three mornings that I got up at 4 AM to do Yin before my clinical rotation at the hospital. Although I got an hour less sleep I generally had more energy, learned more, and established closer connection with patients those days. I will close with a version of the Metta Meditation in the spirit of this learning:
Instantly my thoughts turned to "I should do more of this," "I should institutionalize this into my day," "I should make myself get up early every morning and do this before anything else..."
The the irony hit me... By "planning" to take care of myself I moved away from the activity that I was so enjoying. I felt that some of the tension had returned as my thoughts drifted to the future and how I would use tools like schedules and timers to keep me on track and taking care of myself. I am not denying the utility of these tools and the fact that I do and will continue to use them, however, the following occurred to me:
PERHAPS, THE BEST WAY TO CREATE FUTURE ACTION IS TO ACT IN THE DESIRED MANNER PRESENTLY.
It seems obvious to my logical self that getting into patterns of action increase the probability of the action in the future, but there is a difference between knowing something in my head and knowing it in every cell of my body. Laying on the floor I could feel the truth in this thought.
Thich Nhat Hahn speeks of our "habit energies." There is a Zen story about a man riding a galloping horse backwards. A bystander yells after him "where are you going?" to which he replies "I don't know, ask the horse." The horse is our habit energy. Rather than act we often react driven by these energies.
He also describes the seeds that exist in the depths of our unconscious. Seeds for all thoughts and actions exist in each of us. Seeds that are unwholesome such as distrust, betrayal, stealing, etc. reside alongside seeds of love, respect, generosity, and enlightenment. Thich Nhat Hahn describes how we can either water the wholesome seeds or the unwholesome seeds. Watering wholesome seeds takes conscious effort, and the result is in growth of
Since my Yin experience I have been more aware of myriad ways that I act both skillfully (consciously in-line with my values) and unskillfully (runconsciously), and I am noticing the seeds that I am watering with less judgment and less planning for avoiding the actions and thought that cause harm. Instead I find myself catching myself and acting in the present to water the seeds that I want to nourish in the present. I think that may be the most effective way for me to cultivate a life reflective of my values.
I believe that this practice not only helps me, but also benefits those around me and even strangers. This embodies the Buddhist teaching of non-self. No being is truly free until all beings are free. By staying in the present and doing things like Yin I have more energy available to be with others. I saw this in the three mornings that I got up at 4 AM to do Yin before my clinical rotation at the hospital. Although I got an hour less sleep I generally had more energy, learned more, and established closer connection with patients those days. I will close with a version of the Metta Meditation in the spirit of this learning:
May all beings be free
May all beings be happy and healthy
May all beings be safe
And may the many blessings of this practice continue to benefit all beings as I go forward in my day.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Holocaust Patient
Last week I had the experience of working with a patient who left Germany as a teen ager and returned four years later (in 1932) with the Army. I was feeling very tired and really wanted to just take a nap, but when I got back to the unit I got my patient up for a late lunch (he was napping). I straightened the room and noticed a book with a German title and asked if he spoke German and when he left Germany. I asked him if he had ever returned and he said that he had but that it was always hard for him.
As we talked more he became more solemn and said "You know we are part of the animal world but we are the only animals that kill our own kind." I noticed a shift in the conversation and got down on his level and I listened to his story for I don't know how long. I will not share the details of our conversation, but there was intense sharing of pain and opening up on his part and a lot of being present and listening on my part. There were points were I noticed my habit energies wanting to interject, but I was able to stay in the moment with his experience and I believe that we both benefited from this mindfulness.
He shared a lot of pain. Pain that I think really needed the outlet that our conversation afforded. It would have been all too easy to move on or not get down to his level physically, but I believe that having the luxury of time as a student I was able to offer a therapeutic outlet as well as learn a lot myself. After our conversation I took an afternoon break and when I returned I felt such a desire to give him the best few hours that I could. I don't think that I did anything differently, but I felt different. It was a special interaction which I will not forget.
Another reason to remember this man was that I started my first IV on this patient at the end of the shift. Starting an IV feels so "nurse like" in the ways that I viewed nursing a year ago as I started my program. Connecting with a patient as a fellow person and providing a therapeutic outlet for their pain feels so "nurse like" in a different and equally or perhaps more valuable way.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Sitting with Discomfort
I am dedicating this poem to a friend who helped me out the other day. Thank you Letteria.
Sitting in the Discomfort
Running away,
I cannot see
What is after me is before me
I have not listened for so long
No wonder you look so hurt
No wonder it is painful to face you now
Facing before
Sitting in the discomfort
We are free
Lifelong practice
Habits of being
Present in the perfection of now
Friday, March 4, 2011
The Core
I sat with my levels of pain.
A child laughed and I wanted my childhood back, but safer.
I was having trouble grieving for the loss of that safe childhood, but that cracked it open a bit.
I am judgmental that I feel like my childhood wasn't safe.
I feel like I do not feel safe to be myself, and that this has ben a consistent message, a strategy I used to avoid rocking the boat.
I devalued myself.
I think the tightness/energy in my gut may be the me that doesn't get to be free, creative, alive with choice and energy.
I got the message that power = safety.
I don't feel satisfied knowing this.
I want someone else to hear it or it doesn't feel real.
I don't know why acknowledgement from me is not enough.
I don't think that the only safety I was needing was to be myself.
A child laughed and I wanted my childhood back, but safer.
I was having trouble grieving for the loss of that safe childhood, but that cracked it open a bit.
I am judgmental that I feel like my childhood wasn't safe.
I feel like I do not feel safe to be myself, and that this has ben a consistent message, a strategy I used to avoid rocking the boat.
I devalued myself.
I think the tightness/energy in my gut may be the me that doesn't get to be free, creative, alive with choice and energy.
I got the message that power = safety.
I don't feel satisfied knowing this.
I want someone else to hear it or it doesn't feel real.
I don't know why acknowledgement from me is not enough.
I don't think that the only safety I was needing was to be myself.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Intentions
I recently attended a talk by Dr. Eduardo Duran (http://soulhealing16.com/home). He has been practicing psychology with Native Americans for over 20 years and talked about how his style developed from a western style, which did not work to a style based on and in the culture of the population he serves. The entire talk was amazing and touched on many different areas and I am choosing to only explore two of those areas in this entry.
Dr. Duran talked about language and intention. He pointed out that a major difference between English and most aboriginal languages around the world is the focus on nouns. In English we refer to people as things (e.g. "there is a woman"), while other languages would say "womaning is here." The difference is not just semantics, but rather a frame of mind. Nouns are seen as living entities! Entities with their own life. Therefore, it is no surprise that someone labelled as "woman" is expected to live up to the stereotypes associated by culture with "woman."
This is drastically different from a culture in which a term such as "womaning" is used. In such a context "womaning" is a dynamic state which exists currently while not labeling and therefore limiting the person. He also described the use of nouns to label people in his own practice. If you diagnose and label a person as "depressed" or even "diabetic" that person takes on the label as part of them. The noun becomes a living entity within them. Nouns also have more permanence than verbs and therefore are more persistent through time.
Dr. Duran works with people to "move along" things that are stuck. This wording recognizes the nature of energy which can neither be created or destroyed, but can be transformed. One tool that he uses is looking at intention. An example he gives is alcohol which can be used ritually to bless (eventurning into the blood of God in some traditions). Alcohol can also be used with the intents of forgetting, avoiding, numbing, etc., and in such a context is poison.
I have noticed a shift in intentions in my own life which has been troubling me lately. I did not have a context to put this struggle in, but I believe it is part of what has been blocking my writing lately. One of my major self-care rituals for the last year has been a daily Yin Yoga practice. I have been amazed at the difference in how my body feels, how clear my mind is, how calm I am in stressful situations,and even how steady my handwriting and speed of my reading increase when I have completed this daily ritual. I sleep sounder and generally wake up more rested than I used to.
Originally I thought of this practice as a way to love myself and honor my body. Over the last few months I have missed about one day a week and I have noticed the difference late in the day and the following day. I have described it as returning to what used to be my baseline, except now it is painful and frustrating. It has caused me to be judgmental about missing opportunities to do Yoga and to do the practice for the sake of doing it rather than as a method of intentionally loving myself.
I now see that my attention and intention shifted from self-love and self-care to an intention of avoiding discomfort. The daily Yin practice has never been "easy" and has always represented a challenge, but with this shift in intention the practice has become even harder and less loving. I am confident that I will return to a spirit of self-love and I think that the knowledge gained from Dr. Duran's talk and other recent experiences are invaluable in this pursuit. It is my intention to love myself by refocusing my efforts on loving all the aspects of myself including the part of me that wants to avoid discomfort. I think that my body has a lot to teach me and I am returning to a spirit of listening to what it has to offer.
Dr. Duran talked about language and intention. He pointed out that a major difference between English and most aboriginal languages around the world is the focus on nouns. In English we refer to people as things (e.g. "there is a woman"), while other languages would say "womaning is here." The difference is not just semantics, but rather a frame of mind. Nouns are seen as living entities! Entities with their own life. Therefore, it is no surprise that someone labelled as "woman" is expected to live up to the stereotypes associated by culture with "woman."
This is drastically different from a culture in which a term such as "womaning" is used. In such a context "womaning" is a dynamic state which exists currently while not labeling and therefore limiting the person. He also described the use of nouns to label people in his own practice. If you diagnose and label a person as "depressed" or even "diabetic" that person takes on the label as part of them. The noun becomes a living entity within them. Nouns also have more permanence than verbs and therefore are more persistent through time.
Dr. Duran works with people to "move along" things that are stuck. This wording recognizes the nature of energy which can neither be created or destroyed, but can be transformed. One tool that he uses is looking at intention. An example he gives is alcohol which can be used ritually to bless (eventurning into the blood of God in some traditions). Alcohol can also be used with the intents of forgetting, avoiding, numbing, etc., and in such a context is poison.
I have noticed a shift in intentions in my own life which has been troubling me lately. I did not have a context to put this struggle in, but I believe it is part of what has been blocking my writing lately. One of my major self-care rituals for the last year has been a daily Yin Yoga practice. I have been amazed at the difference in how my body feels, how clear my mind is, how calm I am in stressful situations,and even how steady my handwriting and speed of my reading increase when I have completed this daily ritual. I sleep sounder and generally wake up more rested than I used to.
Originally I thought of this practice as a way to love myself and honor my body. Over the last few months I have missed about one day a week and I have noticed the difference late in the day and the following day. I have described it as returning to what used to be my baseline, except now it is painful and frustrating. It has caused me to be judgmental about missing opportunities to do Yoga and to do the practice for the sake of doing it rather than as a method of intentionally loving myself.
I now see that my attention and intention shifted from self-love and self-care to an intention of avoiding discomfort. The daily Yin practice has never been "easy" and has always represented a challenge, but with this shift in intention the practice has become even harder and less loving. I am confident that I will return to a spirit of self-love and I think that the knowledge gained from Dr. Duran's talk and other recent experiences are invaluable in this pursuit. It is my intention to love myself by refocusing my efforts on loving all the aspects of myself including the part of me that wants to avoid discomfort. I think that my body has a lot to teach me and I am returning to a spirit of listening to what it has to offer.
Monday, February 21, 2011
What is the point of Zazen?
I just received the latest issue of Buddhadharma in the mail. It confirmed a suspicion/fear that I have been holding lately. Arthur Braverman's piece on the teachings of Kosho Uchiyama Roshi gives an example of a thought shared by many (myself included).
"I once practiced zazen and felt clear-headed and I want to experience that feeling again."
Zazen is the practice of sitting with what arises. It is what is going on in pictures of seated monks with good posture. Sometimes what arises are feelings of peace, calm, clarity. Other times the brain will not be quiet and tangential thoughts are the norm. I have often heard it taught that when this happens one can just notice that one is thinking (because that is what is arising at the moment) and return to the center. This is often immediately followed by another thought. I remember one teacher saying "Your brain may only be quiet for 2 seconds during the entire sitting, and that is okay."
The reason that is okay is because that is what is arising at the moment. The practice is to be deeply present in the present moment. However, there is often in my experience a grasping at clarity, stillness, peace. This is coupled with thoughts of "doing it wrong" when thoughts arise. I can laugh at these "negative" thoughts about doing it wrong because they are what is present and to label them as negative is just funny because all they really are is that "they are." They exist in the mind and are illusions in reality.
So what is the fear that was confirmed by this article? That the "right way" to meditate (the way that feels good and clear) is no more "right" than feeling like crap because nothing seems to be going right. It is a challenge to sit with the feelings that arise from bills, not enough money, too little time, too much reading, unclear assignments, etc.
Zen teaches that these things are just illusions after all. However, it is spiritual bypass to say that these things are just illusion and forget about them, and it is incomplete knowledge to cling to what feels good but is equally illusory. That is the part that I am having trouble with now. Feelings of peace, calm, and clarity, are just as fleeting as moments of sadness and fear. Grasping is the route of suffering in Buddhism, and to grasp at "positive" feelings and to avoid "negative" feelings (also a form of grasping) does not allow a person to live in the present. These tactics are ALWAYS based on the future. They are ways to avoid feeling differently or to feel differently in the future. They are ways that we cling to what is "positive" and run from what is "negative," and in the process rob ourselves of the present. The present is all there is.
"I once practiced zazen and felt clear-headed and I want to experience that feeling again."
Zazen is the practice of sitting with what arises. It is what is going on in pictures of seated monks with good posture. Sometimes what arises are feelings of peace, calm, clarity. Other times the brain will not be quiet and tangential thoughts are the norm. I have often heard it taught that when this happens one can just notice that one is thinking (because that is what is arising at the moment) and return to the center. This is often immediately followed by another thought. I remember one teacher saying "Your brain may only be quiet for 2 seconds during the entire sitting, and that is okay."
The reason that is okay is because that is what is arising at the moment. The practice is to be deeply present in the present moment. However, there is often in my experience a grasping at clarity, stillness, peace. This is coupled with thoughts of "doing it wrong" when thoughts arise. I can laugh at these "negative" thoughts about doing it wrong because they are what is present and to label them as negative is just funny because all they really are is that "they are." They exist in the mind and are illusions in reality.
So what is the fear that was confirmed by this article? That the "right way" to meditate (the way that feels good and clear) is no more "right" than feeling like crap because nothing seems to be going right. It is a challenge to sit with the feelings that arise from bills, not enough money, too little time, too much reading, unclear assignments, etc.
Zen teaches that these things are just illusions after all. However, it is spiritual bypass to say that these things are just illusion and forget about them, and it is incomplete knowledge to cling to what feels good but is equally illusory. That is the part that I am having trouble with now. Feelings of peace, calm, and clarity, are just as fleeting as moments of sadness and fear. Grasping is the route of suffering in Buddhism, and to grasp at "positive" feelings and to avoid "negative" feelings (also a form of grasping) does not allow a person to live in the present. These tactics are ALWAYS based on the future. They are ways to avoid feeling differently or to feel differently in the future. They are ways that we cling to what is "positive" and run from what is "negative," and in the process rob ourselves of the present. The present is all there is.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Nursing Ethics
I am excited to be back in classes for the Spring semester, and inspired by my reading last night which matches closely with my understanding of Buddhism. Three paragraphs discussed the "three basic ethical principles of nursing": Respect for a persons right to self-determination, beneficence, and justice.
Self Determination: Treat patients as autonomous individuals capable of making their own decisions. My fiancee recently described working with a parent who was trying to get their child to stop playing with water. I was impressed with her ability to hold the parent's point of view as well as the child's in the interaction that followed. My reaction to hearing the situation was "I would have been like, 'it is okay if they play with water, we can clean it up later." However, such a response would have undermined the parent's authority and potentially confused the child if there is an expectation around such play that will be enforced when the child is not in that setting. Likewise, patients have different frames of reference from my own and it is not only counterproductive to impose my beliefs on them but also disruptive to their health and overall well being. Buddhism takes the long-view. The Buddha was enlightened some 2500 years ago and set out to "save all beings," however he did not exhaust himself trying to force people to accept one "way" of doing things. In one story he sits in silence as a learned man sits and questions him, finally leaving convinced that the Buddha is a sham and has nothing to offer. When asked why he was silent by his disciples the Buddha replied that the man didn't really want to hear he just wanted to argue. It was not appropriate to teach what would not be heard.
Beneficence: Work for the benefit of the patient. This includes the axiom "first, do no harm" common among doctors, and includes a wider sphere of active participation in ensuring the patient's well-being. I can see how the art of nursing becomes important as potential conflicts exist between my personal and cultural norms and standards and the patient's right to self determination. I am beginning to see my role as educator and advocate as potentially more fluid and dynamic than I thought. Perhaps each patient brings a new frame of reference and boundaries within which my work to benefit a patient is somewhat constrained. I say "somewhat" because I think it is also my role to explore these boundaries with patients and push to expand them where appropriate.
Justice: Treat all patients equally and fairly. I referred to this in an earlier entry in which I saw the orange jumpsuit of prison patients as a kind of meditation bell. A reminder to slow down and give the best care possible regardless of cultural learning that disregards prison populations, lower social classes, and minorities in general. A number of readings in my program have also highlighted the role of nurses not only in their care settings but also in their communities. This is a very Buddhist teaching. If a problem exists in a community or nation that manifests as a recurring problem in a healthcare setting it is the nurses role to address the larger issue and not just treat the manifestation in the healthcare setting. Cardiovascular disease among African-Americans, the obesity epidemic, low levels of health education... These are areas that can be addressed both in the microsystem of bedside or outpatient care as well as through advocacy, research, democracy, community involvement, mentoring, etc.
I am looking forward with beginners eyes and eagerness to develop my professional practice. When I started this program I was excited by the calls from my teachers to view our profession as fluid and full of continuous learning. I don't think that I will ever be "done" as a nurse. That is one of the most exciting things about this profession.
Self Determination: Treat patients as autonomous individuals capable of making their own decisions. My fiancee recently described working with a parent who was trying to get their child to stop playing with water. I was impressed with her ability to hold the parent's point of view as well as the child's in the interaction that followed. My reaction to hearing the situation was "I would have been like, 'it is okay if they play with water, we can clean it up later." However, such a response would have undermined the parent's authority and potentially confused the child if there is an expectation around such play that will be enforced when the child is not in that setting. Likewise, patients have different frames of reference from my own and it is not only counterproductive to impose my beliefs on them but also disruptive to their health and overall well being. Buddhism takes the long-view. The Buddha was enlightened some 2500 years ago and set out to "save all beings," however he did not exhaust himself trying to force people to accept one "way" of doing things. In one story he sits in silence as a learned man sits and questions him, finally leaving convinced that the Buddha is a sham and has nothing to offer. When asked why he was silent by his disciples the Buddha replied that the man didn't really want to hear he just wanted to argue. It was not appropriate to teach what would not be heard.
Beneficence: Work for the benefit of the patient. This includes the axiom "first, do no harm" common among doctors, and includes a wider sphere of active participation in ensuring the patient's well-being. I can see how the art of nursing becomes important as potential conflicts exist between my personal and cultural norms and standards and the patient's right to self determination. I am beginning to see my role as educator and advocate as potentially more fluid and dynamic than I thought. Perhaps each patient brings a new frame of reference and boundaries within which my work to benefit a patient is somewhat constrained. I say "somewhat" because I think it is also my role to explore these boundaries with patients and push to expand them where appropriate.
Justice: Treat all patients equally and fairly. I referred to this in an earlier entry in which I saw the orange jumpsuit of prison patients as a kind of meditation bell. A reminder to slow down and give the best care possible regardless of cultural learning that disregards prison populations, lower social classes, and minorities in general. A number of readings in my program have also highlighted the role of nurses not only in their care settings but also in their communities. This is a very Buddhist teaching. If a problem exists in a community or nation that manifests as a recurring problem in a healthcare setting it is the nurses role to address the larger issue and not just treat the manifestation in the healthcare setting. Cardiovascular disease among African-Americans, the obesity epidemic, low levels of health education... These are areas that can be addressed both in the microsystem of bedside or outpatient care as well as through advocacy, research, democracy, community involvement, mentoring, etc.
I am looking forward with beginners eyes and eagerness to develop my professional practice. When I started this program I was excited by the calls from my teachers to view our profession as fluid and full of continuous learning. I don't think that I will ever be "done" as a nurse. That is one of the most exciting things about this profession.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
New Years Wedding
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson (often attributed to Nelson Mandela)This reading was shared at a wedding I recently attended. It has been a touchstone for me since then and I find myself returning to it for strength. The other day I thought "it would be easier for me to do this if I had known someone else to have done it." Then this quote popped up and I thought, "If I do this I can be that example for someone else." That was hugely self-empowering.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Coming Full CIrcle
"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's there are few." -Shunryu Suzuki
I took advantage of my break from nursing school and headed to Joshua Tree National Park. I had not been there in seven years, since my first ever "climbing trip." Seven years ago I had done my first lead climb while in the park. Lead climbing involves placing metal chockstones as you climb with the possibility that one will fall from above onto this protection. Although I had been scrambling on rocks since childhood and had placed protection in cracks to set up top-ropes I had never taken "the sharp end." I remember my first lead vividly.
As we set up to climb a group of three climbers on the opposite wall headed up a wandering route with a slight overhanging section at the end. The leader looked so poised and confident. The route looked very difficult and I couldn't tell what he would hold on to.
I focused my attention on the rock in front of me and headed up with a carabiner full of nuts, some large hexes, four tri-cams, and a single #3 Camalot. The route was classified as very easy (5.2) by the guidebook, but I kept questioning my security, my placements. My confidence was being challenged, but the rock looked within my ability. I couldn't tell why it was so hard.
The route wandered over a rock slab for twenty feet and then followed a chute for another thirty before topping out over a bulge of unprotected friction climbing. I wedged myself in the chute and fiddled with gear. I tried to get the gear securely in the thinnest part of the crack. The crack was the same size the whole way and I only had one of every size so I had to look ahead and plan out my protection three moves in advance.
As I neared the top I put in the cam on a long sling, I put two nuts in opposition and headed out on ten feet of rock which looked intimidating. As I neared the top I got to a crack that would take a tri-cam and I slotted it securely. I knew I was safe and continued on to a good stance where I built an anchor and brought up my friend.
A rush came over me. I had done it. I had pushed my limits and opened up a new world of opportunity and challenge. I looked out at the other party working their way up the much more difficult wall opposite the one I stood on and thought, "That is so cool. I hope one day I can climb that." I was euphoric and hooked on the sport and leading.
Seven years later I found myself back in Joshua Tree and taking the morning off from climbing to avoid the rain that seemed to be rolling in. I wanted to go for a hike and to do some Yin Yoga, so I did. After two hours of Yin I scrambled up a pile of roks and looked out over the desert. It was gorgeous as only the desert can be. Still, quiet, with everything visible. It is like being an eagle soaring high above looking for prey. You can see everything in the desert and everything is in stark contrast.
I picked a pile of rocks in the distance as my target and headed out cross country towards my destination. I didn't know it, but this pile of rocks that was chosen was the same pile that contained the first lead climb I ever did. For those of you who have not been to Joshua Tree this may seem unremarkable, however there are literally hundreds of rock piles spread out over many miles, with thousands of climbing routes.
I neared the rocks and crossed a dirt road which paralleled the rocks. I headed down the road and came to a split between the rocks as wide as a four lane highway. On each side a thick fin of rock arched up from the desert before dipping back into the sand. It was like two giant rock whales breaching simultaneously and frozen in space. I had never known the name of my first lead climb, nor the name of the rock formation it was a part of, but I never forgot how it looked. There it was staring me in the face. I looked across the valley for the route that I had seen the other climbers on for confirmation. Sure enough it was there and as I remembered it. I laughed, I smiled, I was blown away by the series of events that had brought me to this spot a second time.
I sat at the base of each climb. I felt the rock. I thanked the rock for being there and for playing a role in what has been a rewarding seven years full of personal growth, challenge and change. I just sat there and felt connected, grounded literally to that spot.
My partner and I returned that afternoon and I respectfully repeated my first climb, crossed the valley and headed up the climb that had inspired me to grow as a climber many years before. This time I headed up with a light rack of cams and long draws. I could tell what gear I would need from the ground. The initial ramp was easy and I waited until I was twenty feet up to place gear at the first very secure placement. I attached a long sling to reduce rope drag and headed up a very featured face to a ledge below the overhang. I placed two cams in a flared crack and another cam in a beautiful constriction. Before heading up the last twenty feet of overhanging crack I organized the three cams I had so they would be ready in order for the upcoming section.
Right finger lock, left layback, reach high with right hand. The hold was so big that I could have hung like Stalone in Cliffhanger. Plug in a cam. Reach high with left hand, match with right, press feet high and reach for a finger lock, cam again, reset feet, finger locks to slopers and press myself up on top. I felt like a kid again, like I had seven years before, like I do whenever I climb something challenging.
The route had been easy, easier than I had expected. I had spent years making this route more difficult in my mind because of what I had seen seven years before through a different pair of eyes. I felt like I had come full circle and was ready for new challenges. What had looked impossible a few years before was now possible because of the work that I had put into growing in this aspect of my life. What else is possible? How high can I shoot? Getting into nursing school was a process and at times I felt like my attempts were the biggest failure of my life. Now I am in school and every semester I feel more prepared, more competent, and more confident that I have chosen a fitting path for my career.
I took advantage of my break from nursing school and headed to Joshua Tree National Park. I had not been there in seven years, since my first ever "climbing trip." Seven years ago I had done my first lead climb while in the park. Lead climbing involves placing metal chockstones as you climb with the possibility that one will fall from above onto this protection. Although I had been scrambling on rocks since childhood and had placed protection in cracks to set up top-ropes I had never taken "the sharp end." I remember my first lead vividly.
As we set up to climb a group of three climbers on the opposite wall headed up a wandering route with a slight overhanging section at the end. The leader looked so poised and confident. The route looked very difficult and I couldn't tell what he would hold on to.
I focused my attention on the rock in front of me and headed up with a carabiner full of nuts, some large hexes, four tri-cams, and a single #3 Camalot. The route was classified as very easy (5.2) by the guidebook, but I kept questioning my security, my placements. My confidence was being challenged, but the rock looked within my ability. I couldn't tell why it was so hard.
The route wandered over a rock slab for twenty feet and then followed a chute for another thirty before topping out over a bulge of unprotected friction climbing. I wedged myself in the chute and fiddled with gear. I tried to get the gear securely in the thinnest part of the crack. The crack was the same size the whole way and I only had one of every size so I had to look ahead and plan out my protection three moves in advance.
As I neared the top I put in the cam on a long sling, I put two nuts in opposition and headed out on ten feet of rock which looked intimidating. As I neared the top I got to a crack that would take a tri-cam and I slotted it securely. I knew I was safe and continued on to a good stance where I built an anchor and brought up my friend.
A rush came over me. I had done it. I had pushed my limits and opened up a new world of opportunity and challenge. I looked out at the other party working their way up the much more difficult wall opposite the one I stood on and thought, "That is so cool. I hope one day I can climb that." I was euphoric and hooked on the sport and leading.
Seven years later I found myself back in Joshua Tree and taking the morning off from climbing to avoid the rain that seemed to be rolling in. I wanted to go for a hike and to do some Yin Yoga, so I did. After two hours of Yin I scrambled up a pile of roks and looked out over the desert. It was gorgeous as only the desert can be. Still, quiet, with everything visible. It is like being an eagle soaring high above looking for prey. You can see everything in the desert and everything is in stark contrast.
I picked a pile of rocks in the distance as my target and headed out cross country towards my destination. I didn't know it, but this pile of rocks that was chosen was the same pile that contained the first lead climb I ever did. For those of you who have not been to Joshua Tree this may seem unremarkable, however there are literally hundreds of rock piles spread out over many miles, with thousands of climbing routes.
I neared the rocks and crossed a dirt road which paralleled the rocks. I headed down the road and came to a split between the rocks as wide as a four lane highway. On each side a thick fin of rock arched up from the desert before dipping back into the sand. It was like two giant rock whales breaching simultaneously and frozen in space. I had never known the name of my first lead climb, nor the name of the rock formation it was a part of, but I never forgot how it looked. There it was staring me in the face. I looked across the valley for the route that I had seen the other climbers on for confirmation. Sure enough it was there and as I remembered it. I laughed, I smiled, I was blown away by the series of events that had brought me to this spot a second time.
I sat at the base of each climb. I felt the rock. I thanked the rock for being there and for playing a role in what has been a rewarding seven years full of personal growth, challenge and change. I just sat there and felt connected, grounded literally to that spot.
My partner and I returned that afternoon and I respectfully repeated my first climb, crossed the valley and headed up the climb that had inspired me to grow as a climber many years before. This time I headed up with a light rack of cams and long draws. I could tell what gear I would need from the ground. The initial ramp was easy and I waited until I was twenty feet up to place gear at the first very secure placement. I attached a long sling to reduce rope drag and headed up a very featured face to a ledge below the overhang. I placed two cams in a flared crack and another cam in a beautiful constriction. Before heading up the last twenty feet of overhanging crack I organized the three cams I had so they would be ready in order for the upcoming section.
Right finger lock, left layback, reach high with right hand. The hold was so big that I could have hung like Stalone in Cliffhanger. Plug in a cam. Reach high with left hand, match with right, press feet high and reach for a finger lock, cam again, reset feet, finger locks to slopers and press myself up on top. I felt like a kid again, like I had seven years before, like I do whenever I climb something challenging.
The route had been easy, easier than I had expected. I had spent years making this route more difficult in my mind because of what I had seen seven years before through a different pair of eyes. I felt like I had come full circle and was ready for new challenges. What had looked impossible a few years before was now possible because of the work that I had put into growing in this aspect of my life. What else is possible? How high can I shoot? Getting into nursing school was a process and at times I felt like my attempts were the biggest failure of my life. Now I am in school and every semester I feel more prepared, more competent, and more confident that I have chosen a fitting path for my career.
"There is something uncomplicatedly true in the sensation of laying hands upon sun-warmed rock." - Robert Macfarlane
Friday, December 17, 2010
Projections & Illusions: Part 2
While planning my previous entry (Projections & Illusions: Part 1) it was apparent that at first glance it seems profoundly “unbuddhist” in the sense that it is all about self. Impermanence, nonself, and nirvana are omnipresent themes in Buddhism known as the Three Dharma Seals. Although nonself is important, one must be aware of a sense of self before it can be given up as impermanent and illusion. Impermanence and nonself are intimately linked and there is no understanding one without understanding the other
Nonself is the teaching that our idea of a whole and independent self is a false concept because we are all interdependent. Nonself can be explored through the following process. Pick something and ask “What is that?” A chair is a chair. Simple enough, now ask again. A chair, after all is only a chair because that is the name we give to things we sit on. Is it made of wood? If so it is also a tree. A tree is nutrients from the soil, rain from the clouds and energy from the sun. It is all these things and our conception of it as a chair. Every chair is also unique in the wood from a particular tree which stood in a particular spot, was cut, moved and milled by particular people and particular machines that are themselves all products of countless other interactions. The chair is said to be interdependently co-arising because it is interdependent on all these factors for its existence. A short story by Ram Dass also illustrates nonself:
Here is a helpful link to more information.
“When we look deeply into impermanence, we see that things change because causes and conditions change. When we look deeply into nonself, we see that the existence of every single thing is possible only because of the existence of everything else. We see that everything is the cause and condition for its existence. We see that everything else is in it.” -Thich Nhat HanhImpermanence is the teaching that things come and go and that nothing lasts forever. Impermanence is often taught with the analogy of a river. One can never step in the same river twice. Our conception that there is a real and permanent river is just a perception, an illusion, a projection. Buddhism doesn’t teach us to reject the illusion of a river, but to recognize it as an illusion and live our life accordingly.
Nonself is the teaching that our idea of a whole and independent self is a false concept because we are all interdependent. Nonself can be explored through the following process. Pick something and ask “What is that?” A chair is a chair. Simple enough, now ask again. A chair, after all is only a chair because that is the name we give to things we sit on. Is it made of wood? If so it is also a tree. A tree is nutrients from the soil, rain from the clouds and energy from the sun. It is all these things and our conception of it as a chair. Every chair is also unique in the wood from a particular tree which stood in a particular spot, was cut, moved and milled by particular people and particular machines that are themselves all products of countless other interactions. The chair is said to be interdependently co-arising because it is interdependent on all these factors for its existence. A short story by Ram Dass also illustrates nonself:
“There are two waves drifting along in the ocean, one a bit bigger than the other. The bigger wave suddenly becomes very sad and upset. The smaller wave asks what's wrong. ‘You don't want to know,’ the bigger wave says. ‘What is it?’ the small wave asks. ‘No - really - it's too terrible. If you knew what I knew, you'd never be happy.’ The small wave persists. Finally the big wave explains: ‘You can't see it, but I can see that, not too far from here, all of the waves are crashing on the shore. We are going to disappear.’ The small wave says, ‘I can make you happy with just six words, but you have to listen very carefully to them.’ The big wave doesn't believe it -- what does the small wave know that he doesn't -- but he's desperate. After a while of doubting and mocking the small wave, the big wave finally gives in, and asks the small wave to tell him. And so the small wave says: ‘You're not a wave, you're water.’”So how does impermanence and nonself relate to “Projections & Illusions: Part 1?” I used the analogy of a private movie screening to present my insight that we are all projecting and being projected upon. These projections are interdependently co-arisen. My own growing sense of self is also an illusion. Buddhism teaches me not to reject my personal truth, to recognize its impermanence and illusory nature, and to take appropriate action based on my understanding.
Here is a helpful link to more information.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Life is Hard...even for the Dalai Lama
I recently read that the Dalai Lama reminds himself every morning as he wakes that he has a precious human life and mindfully vows to use all his energies: to develop himself, to expand his heart for others, to think kind thoughts and avoid anger and unkind actions. He vows to benefit all beings as much as he can, every day.
This passage was followed with the commentary: "If he needs to continue to cultivate his Bodhisattva Vows after fourteen lifetimes as the Dalai Lama, you and I should not be surprised that selfish thoughts arise in us from time to time."
This passage was followed with the commentary: "If he needs to continue to cultivate his Bodhisattva Vows after fourteen lifetimes as the Dalai Lama, you and I should not be surprised that selfish thoughts arise in us from time to time."
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Projections & Illusions
Imagine that you are sitting down in a private movie theater to watch the screening of a new Ken Burns documentary. The subject of the film is... you. This silver screen hangs limply at the front of the room waiting for the lights to dim, and the projector is being tinkered with like a classroom A/V cart.
The film opens at your birth and moves quickly through times before your own memories. It tugs at the heart strings in ways that only old photographs of family can. Your first memories hit the screen and you are overcome with how cool it is that a great documentarian has put your life on film. You see things that you barely remember which sparks images in your mind long hidden or covered in dust.
It feels odd to see your life through the camera lens, through a different perspective. The angle is not the way you remember things. Maybe you think, “I thought the chair was over there,” and “wow our dog was so small, I thought he was bigger.” Perhaps this is discomfiting, or playful and neat.
For me the movie becomes more confusing as it progresses. There are a lot of good times presented and I can’t help but smile and cry a little, but the lighting is always different than I remember, the colors are off, and the dialogue is so unclear. The hard times are shown as well. Again things are not the way that I remember. The arguments have no point, my arguments have no point, and I look sadder than I remember. I am starting to get mad a Ken Burns. I remember that day vividly and he messed up the shot. He made me look bad and now it is on film and no one will believe me.
Recent insight sparked this analogy. It occurs to me that I got the message that my subjective self (my experience through my own eyes) was not seen or understood by those around me. The truth (my truth) is that I spent a lot of my childhood feeling really alone and misunderstood. I felt objectified (like an object for others projections). I felt like the screen at the front of the room.
When I would get into conflicts I often just wanted to be told that I was okay for feeling the way that I was feeling. That could have been followed with “however we are not allowing you to...” Maybe I was told this, but I remember being told that I “just wanted to argue,” which was just another projection that felt incongruous to my experience and was therefore more isolating.
In discussing this insight it was pointed out to me that some people take on the projections of other more easily than others. I think that I learned to avoid conflict by taking on the projections of others at times. However, doing so has always induced an uneasy feeling in my gut and I have often isolated myself at times to avoid this feeling.
As I sit and write our dog is standing at my side. I am projecting that she is hungry but she cannot communicate clearly just as I couldn’t clearly communicate how lonely I felt. I project my experience onto others just as often as others' experience is projected onto me.
With this insight I am starting to feel a real shape taking form. A form which can hold its own in the face of projections. I think this shape will sit back, relax and laugh with family, friends, and strangers as the film of my life plays out regardless of whose lens is projecting. It is the present moment in a movie theater with wonderful people that is most important to me now.
The film opens at your birth and moves quickly through times before your own memories. It tugs at the heart strings in ways that only old photographs of family can. Your first memories hit the screen and you are overcome with how cool it is that a great documentarian has put your life on film. You see things that you barely remember which sparks images in your mind long hidden or covered in dust.
It feels odd to see your life through the camera lens, through a different perspective. The angle is not the way you remember things. Maybe you think, “I thought the chair was over there,” and “wow our dog was so small, I thought he was bigger.” Perhaps this is discomfiting, or playful and neat.
For me the movie becomes more confusing as it progresses. There are a lot of good times presented and I can’t help but smile and cry a little, but the lighting is always different than I remember, the colors are off, and the dialogue is so unclear. The hard times are shown as well. Again things are not the way that I remember. The arguments have no point, my arguments have no point, and I look sadder than I remember. I am starting to get mad a Ken Burns. I remember that day vividly and he messed up the shot. He made me look bad and now it is on film and no one will believe me.
Recent insight sparked this analogy. It occurs to me that I got the message that my subjective self (my experience through my own eyes) was not seen or understood by those around me. The truth (my truth) is that I spent a lot of my childhood feeling really alone and misunderstood. I felt objectified (like an object for others projections). I felt like the screen at the front of the room.
When I would get into conflicts I often just wanted to be told that I was okay for feeling the way that I was feeling. That could have been followed with “however we are not allowing you to...” Maybe I was told this, but I remember being told that I “just wanted to argue,” which was just another projection that felt incongruous to my experience and was therefore more isolating.
In discussing this insight it was pointed out to me that some people take on the projections of other more easily than others. I think that I learned to avoid conflict by taking on the projections of others at times. However, doing so has always induced an uneasy feeling in my gut and I have often isolated myself at times to avoid this feeling.
As I sit and write our dog is standing at my side. I am projecting that she is hungry but she cannot communicate clearly just as I couldn’t clearly communicate how lonely I felt. I project my experience onto others just as often as others' experience is projected onto me.
With this insight I am starting to feel a real shape taking form. A form which can hold its own in the face of projections. I think this shape will sit back, relax and laugh with family, friends, and strangers as the film of my life plays out regardless of whose lens is projecting. It is the present moment in a movie theater with wonderful people that is most important to me now.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Inviting Mara to the Table
Buddhism is rich with storytelling and art. One prominent figure in Buddhist art and lore is Mara. Mara is a demon who challenges the Buddha both before and after achieving enlightenment. He tries by various means to tempt the Buddha to stray from his path. Mara is often depicted surrounding the continuous cycle of samsara represented in this wheel of life:
All of the stories of Mara that I have heard involve a temptation presented by Mara and a reply by the Buddha indicating that he has recognized Mara's presence. They often end with, "sad and disappointed Mara vanishes."
Two such stories together encompass some thoughts that I have been playing with for a few weeks now. In the first story the Buddha is sitting in meditation and Mara comes to tempt the Buddha. The Buddha recognizes Mara and greets him saying, "I know who you are and you cannot hurt me." Mara is indignant but the Buddha continues, "You are me!" Sad and disappointed Mara vanishes.
The second story I heard recently. Mara comes to the Buddha and accepting defeat kneels at the Buddha's feet and says, "I accept you as the Buddha the one true master and I ask to be your servant. Tell me what it is that you would like me to do and I will do it. Tell me how to act and I will be it." The Buddha replies, "No, no, no, I need you to be exactly as you are." At the Mara vanishes.
These stories resonate strongly with where I find myself lately. I believe they reflect the practice of Loving-Kindness towards all beings (self-included) and recognition of the perfection of all things exactly as they are in the present moment. They remind me of a poem by the Sufi poet Rumi:
All of the stories of Mara that I have heard involve a temptation presented by Mara and a reply by the Buddha indicating that he has recognized Mara's presence. They often end with, "sad and disappointed Mara vanishes."
Two such stories together encompass some thoughts that I have been playing with for a few weeks now. In the first story the Buddha is sitting in meditation and Mara comes to tempt the Buddha. The Buddha recognizes Mara and greets him saying, "I know who you are and you cannot hurt me." Mara is indignant but the Buddha continues, "You are me!" Sad and disappointed Mara vanishes.
The second story I heard recently. Mara comes to the Buddha and accepting defeat kneels at the Buddha's feet and says, "I accept you as the Buddha the one true master and I ask to be your servant. Tell me what it is that you would like me to do and I will do it. Tell me how to act and I will be it." The Buddha replies, "No, no, no, I need you to be exactly as you are." At the Mara vanishes.
These stories resonate strongly with where I find myself lately. I believe they reflect the practice of Loving-Kindness towards all beings (self-included) and recognition of the perfection of all things exactly as they are in the present moment. They remind me of a poem by the Sufi poet Rumi:
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.I believe that the Buddhist ideal would be to invite Mara into your home (he is you after all), and to do so without the expectation that the darkness has a higher purpose. To just sit with your self, with your suffering, with the suffering of others, and to see the deep nature that it is exactly what it is supposed to be in that moment. Paradoxically that seems to put the suffering in context. It is present, but not overwhelming.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-- Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks
Friday, October 1, 2010
Two Hands
I recently read about a very powerful practice in David Richo's The Five Things We Cannot Change. It has been helpful for me in both my study of the duality inherent in Buddhism and in living my own life more mindfully. This practice as described empowers me to takes seeming opposites and holds them both equally. He uses the example of fear.
Fear can easily lead to a reactionary response, a conditioned response to avoid fear, anxiety, danger. If I am afraid of what others may think I may act to control the situation by reacting and doing something to please others. If I am mindful and use this practice I may act in a manner that recognizes this fear, and also honors my own needs and commitments.
I have found that sometimes when I implement this practice I may act in the same manner as if I reacted, however when I mindfully act in this way I find that I am not tied to an outcome, but rather engaged in a process. I am sure of my motives and I am not ashamed of my actions.
I honor myself by being true to myself and my own unique experience of the world.
David Richo emphasizes holding the current situation in one hand and the "power to work with it" in the other. By doing both of these things we are able to honor our experience, but not be trapped in it. It is a practice that acknowleges difficulties and also builds competene and self-esteem by working with difficulties as opposed to against them or in a way that avoids discomfort in our experience. The later being impossible (see First Noble Truth).
Since this is a blog about Buddhism I will add that the seemingly opposite truth that my self, my being, my experience, etc. are also illusion. I can hold these two truths serenely and with love in my heart.
Buddhism also teaches about dependent arising, impermanence and no-self. In reflecting on this exercise I realize that it has been the recognition that two people having different experiences and truths can be equally "right." The teachings of Buddhism seem to be pointing out that one person holding two "opposing" thoughts is similar to two people having unique experiences. Both can be equally true.
Fear can easily lead to a reactionary response, a conditioned response to avoid fear, anxiety, danger. If I am afraid of what others may think I may act to control the situation by reacting and doing something to please others. If I am mindful and use this practice I may act in a manner that recognizes this fear, and also honors my own needs and commitments.
I can hold my fear in one hand and my commitment to no longer act in a fear-based way in the other. Somehow that combination seems more doable than no fear at all.He continues:
A useful spiritual practice in any predicament is to hold both hands out, cupped, palms upward, and imagine them holding just such opposites. We feel the light and equal weight of both, since our hands are empty. We then say, for example, "I can serenely hold both my need for relationship and my not having one right now."...
I have found that sometimes when I implement this practice I may act in the same manner as if I reacted, however when I mindfully act in this way I find that I am not tied to an outcome, but rather engaged in a process. I am sure of my motives and I am not ashamed of my actions.
I honor myself by being true to myself and my own unique experience of the world.
David Richo emphasizes holding the current situation in one hand and the "power to work with it" in the other. By doing both of these things we are able to honor our experience, but not be trapped in it. It is a practice that acknowleges difficulties and also builds competene and self-esteem by working with difficulties as opposed to against them or in a way that avoids discomfort in our experience. The later being impossible (see First Noble Truth).
Since this is a blog about Buddhism I will add that the seemingly opposite truth that my self, my being, my experience, etc. are also illusion. I can hold these two truths serenely and with love in my heart.
Buddhism also teaches about dependent arising, impermanence and no-self. In reflecting on this exercise I realize that it has been the recognition that two people having different experiences and truths can be equally "right." The teachings of Buddhism seem to be pointing out that one person holding two "opposing" thoughts is similar to two people having unique experiences. Both can be equally true.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Buddha on Self-Care
If one going down into a river,
swollen and swiftly flowing,
is carried away by the current -
how can one help others across?
- The Buddha in Sutta Nipāta 2.321
In my own life I have noticed in the last two years how taking care of my own needs leads to a more fulfilling life in which I am more available to help others. I also find that I am less tied to specific outcomes and less stressed in general when I act because I want to and not because I think that a specific action will lead to a desirable outcome.
Although I have for years thought that acting (reacting) in this way was compassionate or altruistic the truth as I see it now is that I was reacting selfishly to save myself from suffering. Many of my reactions were attempts to control the outcome of a situation.
It is my goal to act mindfully and accept that sometimes I can mindfully put my own needs ahead of those of another and trust that they will do the same. This is empowering to both of us in ways that I did not experience as a youth. I can see how I will both mindfully act to recognize a desire to control a situation and act out of compassion for myself.
The outcome of reaction and mindful action may look the same on paper (I may take the same action), however, when I have acted mindfully I have not regretted an action, and in some cases I have empowered others in ways reacting does not.
I am vowing to myself to act mindfully as a form of self-care
I am vowing to continue my exploration and implementation of self-care measures in my life.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
The Second Noble Truth
Dukkha (suffering) arises
Dukkha does not exist in and of itself, but rather arises from other things. According to the Buddha there is no such thing as Dukkha that is all pervasive and permanent. It comes from somewhere. It can only exist in relation to other things, as a result of other things. However, dukkha is a permanent and pervasive aspect of a conditioned existence. This distinction was explored in my discussion of the First Noble Truth.
The Second Noble Truth is that dukkha has a cause. Buddhism teaches that the causes of dukkha are recognizable, understandable, and can be avoided. Thich Nhat Hanh uses a great analogy in his book The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching in which he compares our actions to what we consume. If we eat nutritious food, breath fresh air, enjoy wholesome company, etc we are nourishing our body/mind and it stays healthy and is able to do many wonderful things. If we ingest toxins from our environment we will become sick and suffer.
The core of the Second Noble Truth is that suffering has a cause. By exploring ourselves we can begin to recognize the toxins we ingest that bring about suffering. We are further able to understand what arises in us that inspires us to take in these things that do more harm than good. This knowing allows us to make conscious decisions to avoid what causes suffering. Avoiding the food that feeds suffering leads to the cessation of suffering. Third and Fourth Noble Truths explore the cessation of suffering.
Dukkha does not exist in and of itself, but rather arises from other things. According to the Buddha there is no such thing as Dukkha that is all pervasive and permanent. It comes from somewhere. It can only exist in relation to other things, as a result of other things. However, dukkha is a permanent and pervasive aspect of a conditioned existence. This distinction was explored in my discussion of the First Noble Truth.
The Second Noble Truth is that dukkha has a cause. Buddhism teaches that the causes of dukkha are recognizable, understandable, and can be avoided. Thich Nhat Hanh uses a great analogy in his book The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching in which he compares our actions to what we consume. If we eat nutritious food, breath fresh air, enjoy wholesome company, etc we are nourishing our body/mind and it stays healthy and is able to do many wonderful things. If we ingest toxins from our environment we will become sick and suffer.
The core of the Second Noble Truth is that suffering has a cause. By exploring ourselves we can begin to recognize the toxins we ingest that bring about suffering. We are further able to understand what arises in us that inspires us to take in these things that do more harm than good. This knowing allows us to make conscious decisions to avoid what causes suffering. Avoiding the food that feeds suffering leads to the cessation of suffering. Third and Fourth Noble Truths explore the cessation of suffering.
Friday, September 24, 2010
The First Noble Truth
Dukkha (suffering) is part of conditioned existence
What is a Conditioned Existence?
At first glance the teaching that life is suffering may seem like a downer. One may ask why would anyone be interested in something that says, "life sucks"? This is our conditioned existence speaking. Conditioning makes the experience of discomfort a "bad" thing. Life is not synonymous with conditioned existence.
I do not think that I was alone as a child in my thinking that a life free of suffering was possible. I was pretty sure it would happen when I got my drivers license (that didn't do it). I remember feeling confident that it would happen sometime during college (it didn't). At times I thought that rich people had it (they don't). I think you get the point.
Paradoxically having the notion that a "better" life exists and grasping at experiences that approximate such a life are the very roadblocks that get in the way of living a life free from suffering. Let me present another example: As a kid I hated scary movies. I closed my eyes during the opening scene of Jaws and got so upset that my family had to turn off the movie. I once called my parents to pick me up from a sleep over during which a bunch of people got shot with a machine gun.
I remember when Batman the movie came out on VHS. We rented it and I covered my eyes when my brother's said that a scary part was coming up. I pictured a scene so horrific that I began crying and feeling nauseous. My brother stopped the tape, rewound, and made me watch the scene with my eyes open. The Joker electrocuted some guy and his face melted like wax off his skull. It was so fake that it made me laugh. I learned that day that the idea of something is often scarier than the thing itself.
Buddhism presents that dukkha is a part of life as we experience it. This is not bad news, nor is it good news, it just is. Sitting with the discomfort that this truth creates has been a powerful experience, and has not been as scary as going through life with eyes closed every time that I saw dukkha on the horizon.
What is Suffering?
Dukkha is a Pali word often translated as suffering. According to Buddhanet.net (2010) Dukkha encompasses all experiences that are difficult to bear ranging "from extreme physical and mental pain and torment to subtle inner conflicts and existential malaise".
What is a Conditioned Existence?
Conditioned existence is what we experience everyday. Conditioning is the lens through which we perceive our world. It is what reinforces the perception that I am me and that you are you. An analogy is presented in the first Matrix movie in which the world that Neo thinks is real is actually an illusion created by a computer program.
At first glance the teaching that life is suffering may seem like a downer. One may ask why would anyone be interested in something that says, "life sucks"? This is our conditioned existence speaking. Conditioning makes the experience of discomfort a "bad" thing. Life is not synonymous with conditioned existence.
I do not think that I was alone as a child in my thinking that a life free of suffering was possible. I was pretty sure it would happen when I got my drivers license (that didn't do it). I remember feeling confident that it would happen sometime during college (it didn't). At times I thought that rich people had it (they don't). I think you get the point.
Paradoxically having the notion that a "better" life exists and grasping at experiences that approximate such a life are the very roadblocks that get in the way of living a life free from suffering. Let me present another example: As a kid I hated scary movies. I closed my eyes during the opening scene of Jaws and got so upset that my family had to turn off the movie. I once called my parents to pick me up from a sleep over during which a bunch of people got shot with a machine gun.
I remember when Batman the movie came out on VHS. We rented it and I covered my eyes when my brother's said that a scary part was coming up. I pictured a scene so horrific that I began crying and feeling nauseous. My brother stopped the tape, rewound, and made me watch the scene with my eyes open. The Joker electrocuted some guy and his face melted like wax off his skull. It was so fake that it made me laugh. I learned that day that the idea of something is often scarier than the thing itself.
Buddhism presents that dukkha is a part of life as we experience it. This is not bad news, nor is it good news, it just is. Sitting with the discomfort that this truth creates has been a powerful experience, and has not been as scary as going through life with eyes closed every time that I saw dukkha on the horizon.
When we recognize and acknowledge our own suffering, the Buddha - which means the Buddha in us - will look at it, discover what has brought it about, and prescribe a course of action that can transform it into peace, joy, and liberation. Suffering is the means the Buddha used to liberate himself, and it is also the means by which we can become free. -Thick Nhat Hanh (1999)
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/8foldpath.htm
Hanh, TN. (1999). The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching. Broadway Books, New York.
Hanh, TN. (1999). The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching. Broadway Books, New York.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Great Compassion
I attended a Dharma Talk today and was moved during the Q&A that followed to ask for guidance in an aspect of my life that I have been working with intimately for some time now: Compassion. This is a concept that includes both a recognition of suffering in others and a desire to alleviate such suffering.
For a long time I thought that I knew what compassion meant. To me it was empathy. It meant understanding that I too have suffered this. I have been realizing that this falls short of compassion in that such a view is both self-centered, and does not come with an innate desire to reduce the other person's suffering.
When a desire for relief of suffering existed it was often a desire to relieve the fear and sadness that I felt in the presence of someone else suffering. This is a quality of codependency, the presence of which I am blessed to have discovered before becoming a nurse. I have no doubt that codependency will come up again in this blog as it is a quality of many nurses and caregivers. Perhaps the codependency that I see in others will be an area which I can practice mindful compassion which is what I want to write about today.
Through personal therapy, reading, yoga, a great relationship, meditation, and personal reflection the seed of compassion in me has grown. Interestingly, although I suppose not surprisingly if you know much about psychology, a growing sense of self-love and self-compassion has been the catalyst for exponential growth in my compassion for others.
Everyday can be a struggle to cultivate love and compassion for my own being. There are many times when I do not feel that I deserve good things, or I feel that only parts of me are desirable and therefore acceptable to others. However, every time I acknowledge and sit with my own suffering I feel a little better about myself, and in following days I have more compassion for the suffering of those around me. Complete with a desire to ease their suffering and without a codependent need to reduce their suffering for my own benefit.
What do I mean by increased compassion for those around me? I mean that when I would perceive a person as being mean to me, or observe someone acting out at someone else, or see people talking poorly about another person I would think "they must be hurting so much to say these things", and immediately look for signs to confirm my suspicion. With people I knew this was easier because I would often know what was triggering them or what was stressing them out at the time.
As this practice progressed I noticed that sometimes I would not know what the "reasons" were or I judged the reasons as insufficient to elicit such a response. This began a long process of noticing the same thing in me and the judgements I make about my own thoughts, actions and being. As I grew to accept the unknowable reasons in myself and the sometimes overwhelming emotion triggered by what I judged to be "insufficiently large" stressors I have grown to accept this in others.
That is where I have been for a few weeks now and I am feeling more compassion for myself and others, but it remains somehow incomplete. I have a feeling that something is missing and I believe it has to do with a need to have a "reason" whether known, unknown, or unknowable.
In response to my request for guidance the teacher responded that Great Compassion does indeed go beyond any reasons that may exist. At its essence is "responding appropriately" to any situation not with a formula for developing compassion, but with a whole body being of compassion.
I will continue my practice of mindfully exploring what arises in me when I encounter suffering in myself and others. I will continue to cultivate compassion for myself and others through formulas when I am in need of that structure. And, I will cultivate a practice of "responding appropriately" to situations which call upon my compassionate nature.
For a long time I thought that I knew what compassion meant. To me it was empathy. It meant understanding that I too have suffered this. I have been realizing that this falls short of compassion in that such a view is both self-centered, and does not come with an innate desire to reduce the other person's suffering.
When a desire for relief of suffering existed it was often a desire to relieve the fear and sadness that I felt in the presence of someone else suffering. This is a quality of codependency, the presence of which I am blessed to have discovered before becoming a nurse. I have no doubt that codependency will come up again in this blog as it is a quality of many nurses and caregivers. Perhaps the codependency that I see in others will be an area which I can practice mindful compassion which is what I want to write about today.
Through personal therapy, reading, yoga, a great relationship, meditation, and personal reflection the seed of compassion in me has grown. Interestingly, although I suppose not surprisingly if you know much about psychology, a growing sense of self-love and self-compassion has been the catalyst for exponential growth in my compassion for others.
Everyday can be a struggle to cultivate love and compassion for my own being. There are many times when I do not feel that I deserve good things, or I feel that only parts of me are desirable and therefore acceptable to others. However, every time I acknowledge and sit with my own suffering I feel a little better about myself, and in following days I have more compassion for the suffering of those around me. Complete with a desire to ease their suffering and without a codependent need to reduce their suffering for my own benefit.
What do I mean by increased compassion for those around me? I mean that when I would perceive a person as being mean to me, or observe someone acting out at someone else, or see people talking poorly about another person I would think "they must be hurting so much to say these things", and immediately look for signs to confirm my suspicion. With people I knew this was easier because I would often know what was triggering them or what was stressing them out at the time.
As this practice progressed I noticed that sometimes I would not know what the "reasons" were or I judged the reasons as insufficient to elicit such a response. This began a long process of noticing the same thing in me and the judgements I make about my own thoughts, actions and being. As I grew to accept the unknowable reasons in myself and the sometimes overwhelming emotion triggered by what I judged to be "insufficiently large" stressors I have grown to accept this in others.
That is where I have been for a few weeks now and I am feeling more compassion for myself and others, but it remains somehow incomplete. I have a feeling that something is missing and I believe it has to do with a need to have a "reason" whether known, unknown, or unknowable.
In response to my request for guidance the teacher responded that Great Compassion does indeed go beyond any reasons that may exist. At its essence is "responding appropriately" to any situation not with a formula for developing compassion, but with a whole body being of compassion.
I will continue my practice of mindfully exploring what arises in me when I encounter suffering in myself and others. I will continue to cultivate compassion for myself and others through formulas when I am in need of that structure. And, I will cultivate a practice of "responding appropriately" to situations which call upon my compassionate nature.
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