Two Hands

I recently read about a very powerful practice in David Richo's The Five Things We Cannot Change.  It has been helpful for me in both my study of the duality inherent in Buddhism and in living my own life more mindfully.  This practice as described empowers me to takes seeming opposites and holds them both equally.  He uses the example of fear.

Fear can easily lead to a reactionary response, a conditioned response to avoid fear, anxiety, danger.  If I am afraid of what others may think I may act to control the situation by reacting and doing something to please others.  If I am mindful and use this practice I may act in a manner that recognizes this fear, and also honors my own needs and commitments.

I can hold my fear in one hand and my commitment to no longer act in a fear-based way in the other.  Somehow that combination seems more doable than no fear at all.

He continues:

A useful spiritual practice in any predicament is to hold both hands out, cupped, palms upward, and imagine them holding just such opposites.  We feel the light and equal weight of both, since our hands are empty.  We then say, for example, "I can serenely hold both my need for relationship and my not having one right now."

...

I have found that sometimes when I implement this practice I may act in the same manner as if I reacted, however when I mindfully act in this way I find that I am not tied to an outcome, but rather engaged in a process.  I am sure of my motives and I am not ashamed of my actions.

I honor myself by being true to myself and my own unique experience of the world.

David Richo emphasizes holding the current situation in one hand and the "power to work with it" in the other.  By doing both of these things we are able to honor our experience, but not be trapped in it.  It is a practice that acknowleges difficulties and also builds competene and self-esteem by working with difficulties as opposed to against them or in a way that avoids discomfort in our experience.  The later being impossible (see First Noble Truth).

Since this is a blog about Buddhism I will add that the seemingly opposite truth that my self, my being, my experience, etc. are also illusion.  I can hold these two truths serenely and with love in my heart.

Buddhism also teaches about dependent arising, impermanence and no-self.  In reflecting on this exercise I realize that it has been the recognition that two people having different experiences and truths can be equally "right."  The teachings of Buddhism seem to be pointing out that one person holding two "opposing" thoughts is similar to two people having unique experiences.  Both can be equally true.

The Buddha on Self-Care

If one going down into a river,
swollen and swiftly flowing,
is carried away by the current -
how can one help others across?
- The Buddha in Sutta Nipāta 2.321

When I saw this I had to share.  I have been trying to find the words to express the importance of nurses providing themselves with adequate self-care.  It has been pointed out by professors that this is something that nurses often struggle with, that nurses often have codependent tendencies, and that a lack of self-care leads to burnout and job dissatisfaction.

In my own life I have noticed in the last two years how taking care of my own needs leads to a more fulfilling life in which I am more available to help others.  I also find that I am less tied to specific outcomes and less stressed in general when I act because I want to and not because I think that a specific action will lead to a desirable outcome.

Although I have for years thought that acting (reacting) in this way was compassionate or altruistic the truth as I see it now is that I was reacting selfishly to save myself from suffering.  Many of my reactions were attempts to control the outcome of a situation.

It is my goal to act mindfully and accept that sometimes I can mindfully put my own needs ahead of those of another and trust that they will do the same.  This is empowering to both of us in ways that I did not experience as a youth.  I can see how I will both mindfully act to recognize a desire to control a situation and act out of compassion for myself.

The outcome of reaction and mindful action may look the same on paper (I may take the same action), however, when I have acted mindfully I have not regretted an action, and in some cases I have empowered others in ways reacting does not.

I am vowing to myself to act mindfully as a form of self-care
I am vowing to continue my exploration and implementation of self-care measures in my life.

Great Compassion

I attended a Dharma Talk today and was moved during the Q&A that followed to ask for guidance in an aspect of my life that I have been working with intimately for some time now: Compassion. This is a concept that includes both a recognition of suffering in others and a desire to alleviate such suffering.

For a long time I thought that I knew what compassion meant.  To me it was empathy.  It meant understanding that I too have suffered this.  I have been realizing that this falls short of compassion in that such a view is both self-centered, and does not come with an innate desire to reduce the other person's suffering.

When a desire for relief of suffering existed it was often a desire to relieve the fear and sadness that I felt in the presence of someone else suffering.  This is a quality of codependency, the presence of which I am blessed to have discovered before becoming a nurse. I have no doubt that codependency will come up again in this blog as it is a quality of many nurses and caregivers.  Perhaps the codependency that I see in others will be an area which I can practice mindful compassion which is what I want to write about today.

Through personal therapy, reading, yoga, a great relationship, meditation, and personal reflection the seed of compassion in me has grown.  Interestingly, although I suppose not surprisingly if you know much about psychology, a growing sense of self-love and self-compassion has been the catalyst for exponential growth in my compassion for others.

Everyday can be a struggle to cultivate love and compassion for my own being.  There are many times when I do not feel that I deserve good things, or I feel that only parts of me are desirable and therefore acceptable to others.  However, every time I acknowledge and sit with my own suffering I feel a little better about myself, and in following days I have more compassion for the suffering of those around me.  Complete with a desire to ease their suffering and without a codependent need to reduce their suffering for my own benefit.

What do I mean by increased compassion for those around me?  I mean that when I would perceive a person as being mean to me, or observe someone acting out at someone else, or see people talking poorly about another person I would think "they must be hurting so much to say these things", and immediately look for signs to confirm my suspicion.  With people I knew this was easier because I would often know what was triggering them or what was stressing them out at the time.

As this practice progressed I noticed that sometimes I would not know what the "reasons" were or I judged the reasons as insufficient to elicit such a response.  This began a long process of noticing the same thing in me and the judgements I make about my own thoughts, actions and being.  As I grew to accept the unknowable reasons in myself and the sometimes overwhelming emotion triggered by what I judged to be "insufficiently large" stressors I have grown to accept this in others.

That is where I have been for a few weeks now and I am feeling more compassion for myself and others, but it remains somehow incomplete.  I have a feeling that something is missing and I believe it has to do with a need to have a "reason" whether known, unknown, or unknowable. 

In response to my request for guidance the teacher responded that Great Compassion does indeed go beyond any reasons that may exist.  At its essence is "responding appropriately" to any situation not with a formula for developing compassion, but with a whole body being of compassion.

I will continue my practice of mindfully exploring what arises in me when I encounter suffering in myself and others.  I will continue to cultivate compassion for myself and others through formulas when I am in need of that structure.  And, I will cultivate a practice of "responding appropriately" to situations which call upon my compassionate nature.