I sat with my levels of pain.
A child laughed and I wanted my childhood back, but safer.
I was having trouble grieving for the loss of that safe childhood, but that cracked it open a bit.
I am judgmental that I feel like my childhood wasn't safe.
I feel like I do not feel safe to be myself, and that this has ben a consistent message, a strategy I used to avoid rocking the boat.
I devalued myself.
I think the tightness/energy in my gut may be the me that doesn't get to be free, creative, alive with choice and energy.
I got the message that power = safety.
I don't feel satisfied knowing this.
I want someone else to hear it or it doesn't feel real.
I don't know why acknowledgement from me is not enough.
I don't think that the only safety I was needing was to be myself.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Intentions
I recently attended a talk by Dr. Eduardo Duran (http://soulhealing16.com/home). He has been practicing psychology with Native Americans for over 20 years and talked about how his style developed from a western style, which did not work to a style based on and in the culture of the population he serves. The entire talk was amazing and touched on many different areas and I am choosing to only explore two of those areas in this entry.
Dr. Duran talked about language and intention. He pointed out that a major difference between English and most aboriginal languages around the world is the focus on nouns. In English we refer to people as things (e.g. "there is a woman"), while other languages would say "womaning is here." The difference is not just semantics, but rather a frame of mind. Nouns are seen as living entities! Entities with their own life. Therefore, it is no surprise that someone labelled as "woman" is expected to live up to the stereotypes associated by culture with "woman."
This is drastically different from a culture in which a term such as "womaning" is used. In such a context "womaning" is a dynamic state which exists currently while not labeling and therefore limiting the person. He also described the use of nouns to label people in his own practice. If you diagnose and label a person as "depressed" or even "diabetic" that person takes on the label as part of them. The noun becomes a living entity within them. Nouns also have more permanence than verbs and therefore are more persistent through time.
Dr. Duran works with people to "move along" things that are stuck. This wording recognizes the nature of energy which can neither be created or destroyed, but can be transformed. One tool that he uses is looking at intention. An example he gives is alcohol which can be used ritually to bless (eventurning into the blood of God in some traditions). Alcohol can also be used with the intents of forgetting, avoiding, numbing, etc., and in such a context is poison.
I have noticed a shift in intentions in my own life which has been troubling me lately. I did not have a context to put this struggle in, but I believe it is part of what has been blocking my writing lately. One of my major self-care rituals for the last year has been a daily Yin Yoga practice. I have been amazed at the difference in how my body feels, how clear my mind is, how calm I am in stressful situations,and even how steady my handwriting and speed of my reading increase when I have completed this daily ritual. I sleep sounder and generally wake up more rested than I used to.
Originally I thought of this practice as a way to love myself and honor my body. Over the last few months I have missed about one day a week and I have noticed the difference late in the day and the following day. I have described it as returning to what used to be my baseline, except now it is painful and frustrating. It has caused me to be judgmental about missing opportunities to do Yoga and to do the practice for the sake of doing it rather than as a method of intentionally loving myself.
I now see that my attention and intention shifted from self-love and self-care to an intention of avoiding discomfort. The daily Yin practice has never been "easy" and has always represented a challenge, but with this shift in intention the practice has become even harder and less loving. I am confident that I will return to a spirit of self-love and I think that the knowledge gained from Dr. Duran's talk and other recent experiences are invaluable in this pursuit. It is my intention to love myself by refocusing my efforts on loving all the aspects of myself including the part of me that wants to avoid discomfort. I think that my body has a lot to teach me and I am returning to a spirit of listening to what it has to offer.
Dr. Duran talked about language and intention. He pointed out that a major difference between English and most aboriginal languages around the world is the focus on nouns. In English we refer to people as things (e.g. "there is a woman"), while other languages would say "womaning is here." The difference is not just semantics, but rather a frame of mind. Nouns are seen as living entities! Entities with their own life. Therefore, it is no surprise that someone labelled as "woman" is expected to live up to the stereotypes associated by culture with "woman."
This is drastically different from a culture in which a term such as "womaning" is used. In such a context "womaning" is a dynamic state which exists currently while not labeling and therefore limiting the person. He also described the use of nouns to label people in his own practice. If you diagnose and label a person as "depressed" or even "diabetic" that person takes on the label as part of them. The noun becomes a living entity within them. Nouns also have more permanence than verbs and therefore are more persistent through time.
Dr. Duran works with people to "move along" things that are stuck. This wording recognizes the nature of energy which can neither be created or destroyed, but can be transformed. One tool that he uses is looking at intention. An example he gives is alcohol which can be used ritually to bless (eventurning into the blood of God in some traditions). Alcohol can also be used with the intents of forgetting, avoiding, numbing, etc., and in such a context is poison.
I have noticed a shift in intentions in my own life which has been troubling me lately. I did not have a context to put this struggle in, but I believe it is part of what has been blocking my writing lately. One of my major self-care rituals for the last year has been a daily Yin Yoga practice. I have been amazed at the difference in how my body feels, how clear my mind is, how calm I am in stressful situations,and even how steady my handwriting and speed of my reading increase when I have completed this daily ritual. I sleep sounder and generally wake up more rested than I used to.
Originally I thought of this practice as a way to love myself and honor my body. Over the last few months I have missed about one day a week and I have noticed the difference late in the day and the following day. I have described it as returning to what used to be my baseline, except now it is painful and frustrating. It has caused me to be judgmental about missing opportunities to do Yoga and to do the practice for the sake of doing it rather than as a method of intentionally loving myself.
I now see that my attention and intention shifted from self-love and self-care to an intention of avoiding discomfort. The daily Yin practice has never been "easy" and has always represented a challenge, but with this shift in intention the practice has become even harder and less loving. I am confident that I will return to a spirit of self-love and I think that the knowledge gained from Dr. Duran's talk and other recent experiences are invaluable in this pursuit. It is my intention to love myself by refocusing my efforts on loving all the aspects of myself including the part of me that wants to avoid discomfort. I think that my body has a lot to teach me and I am returning to a spirit of listening to what it has to offer.
Monday, February 21, 2011
What is the point of Zazen?
I just received the latest issue of Buddhadharma in the mail. It confirmed a suspicion/fear that I have been holding lately. Arthur Braverman's piece on the teachings of Kosho Uchiyama Roshi gives an example of a thought shared by many (myself included).
"I once practiced zazen and felt clear-headed and I want to experience that feeling again."
Zazen is the practice of sitting with what arises. It is what is going on in pictures of seated monks with good posture. Sometimes what arises are feelings of peace, calm, clarity. Other times the brain will not be quiet and tangential thoughts are the norm. I have often heard it taught that when this happens one can just notice that one is thinking (because that is what is arising at the moment) and return to the center. This is often immediately followed by another thought. I remember one teacher saying "Your brain may only be quiet for 2 seconds during the entire sitting, and that is okay."
The reason that is okay is because that is what is arising at the moment. The practice is to be deeply present in the present moment. However, there is often in my experience a grasping at clarity, stillness, peace. This is coupled with thoughts of "doing it wrong" when thoughts arise. I can laugh at these "negative" thoughts about doing it wrong because they are what is present and to label them as negative is just funny because all they really are is that "they are." They exist in the mind and are illusions in reality.
So what is the fear that was confirmed by this article? That the "right way" to meditate (the way that feels good and clear) is no more "right" than feeling like crap because nothing seems to be going right. It is a challenge to sit with the feelings that arise from bills, not enough money, too little time, too much reading, unclear assignments, etc.
Zen teaches that these things are just illusions after all. However, it is spiritual bypass to say that these things are just illusion and forget about them, and it is incomplete knowledge to cling to what feels good but is equally illusory. That is the part that I am having trouble with now. Feelings of peace, calm, and clarity, are just as fleeting as moments of sadness and fear. Grasping is the route of suffering in Buddhism, and to grasp at "positive" feelings and to avoid "negative" feelings (also a form of grasping) does not allow a person to live in the present. These tactics are ALWAYS based on the future. They are ways to avoid feeling differently or to feel differently in the future. They are ways that we cling to what is "positive" and run from what is "negative," and in the process rob ourselves of the present. The present is all there is.
"I once practiced zazen and felt clear-headed and I want to experience that feeling again."
Zazen is the practice of sitting with what arises. It is what is going on in pictures of seated monks with good posture. Sometimes what arises are feelings of peace, calm, clarity. Other times the brain will not be quiet and tangential thoughts are the norm. I have often heard it taught that when this happens one can just notice that one is thinking (because that is what is arising at the moment) and return to the center. This is often immediately followed by another thought. I remember one teacher saying "Your brain may only be quiet for 2 seconds during the entire sitting, and that is okay."
The reason that is okay is because that is what is arising at the moment. The practice is to be deeply present in the present moment. However, there is often in my experience a grasping at clarity, stillness, peace. This is coupled with thoughts of "doing it wrong" when thoughts arise. I can laugh at these "negative" thoughts about doing it wrong because they are what is present and to label them as negative is just funny because all they really are is that "they are." They exist in the mind and are illusions in reality.
So what is the fear that was confirmed by this article? That the "right way" to meditate (the way that feels good and clear) is no more "right" than feeling like crap because nothing seems to be going right. It is a challenge to sit with the feelings that arise from bills, not enough money, too little time, too much reading, unclear assignments, etc.
Zen teaches that these things are just illusions after all. However, it is spiritual bypass to say that these things are just illusion and forget about them, and it is incomplete knowledge to cling to what feels good but is equally illusory. That is the part that I am having trouble with now. Feelings of peace, calm, and clarity, are just as fleeting as moments of sadness and fear. Grasping is the route of suffering in Buddhism, and to grasp at "positive" feelings and to avoid "negative" feelings (also a form of grasping) does not allow a person to live in the present. These tactics are ALWAYS based on the future. They are ways to avoid feeling differently or to feel differently in the future. They are ways that we cling to what is "positive" and run from what is "negative," and in the process rob ourselves of the present. The present is all there is.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Nursing Ethics
I am excited to be back in classes for the Spring semester, and inspired by my reading last night which matches closely with my understanding of Buddhism. Three paragraphs discussed the "three basic ethical principles of nursing": Respect for a persons right to self-determination, beneficence, and justice.
Self Determination: Treat patients as autonomous individuals capable of making their own decisions. My fiancee recently described working with a parent who was trying to get their child to stop playing with water. I was impressed with her ability to hold the parent's point of view as well as the child's in the interaction that followed. My reaction to hearing the situation was "I would have been like, 'it is okay if they play with water, we can clean it up later." However, such a response would have undermined the parent's authority and potentially confused the child if there is an expectation around such play that will be enforced when the child is not in that setting. Likewise, patients have different frames of reference from my own and it is not only counterproductive to impose my beliefs on them but also disruptive to their health and overall well being. Buddhism takes the long-view. The Buddha was enlightened some 2500 years ago and set out to "save all beings," however he did not exhaust himself trying to force people to accept one "way" of doing things. In one story he sits in silence as a learned man sits and questions him, finally leaving convinced that the Buddha is a sham and has nothing to offer. When asked why he was silent by his disciples the Buddha replied that the man didn't really want to hear he just wanted to argue. It was not appropriate to teach what would not be heard.
Beneficence: Work for the benefit of the patient. This includes the axiom "first, do no harm" common among doctors, and includes a wider sphere of active participation in ensuring the patient's well-being. I can see how the art of nursing becomes important as potential conflicts exist between my personal and cultural norms and standards and the patient's right to self determination. I am beginning to see my role as educator and advocate as potentially more fluid and dynamic than I thought. Perhaps each patient brings a new frame of reference and boundaries within which my work to benefit a patient is somewhat constrained. I say "somewhat" because I think it is also my role to explore these boundaries with patients and push to expand them where appropriate.
Justice: Treat all patients equally and fairly. I referred to this in an earlier entry in which I saw the orange jumpsuit of prison patients as a kind of meditation bell. A reminder to slow down and give the best care possible regardless of cultural learning that disregards prison populations, lower social classes, and minorities in general. A number of readings in my program have also highlighted the role of nurses not only in their care settings but also in their communities. This is a very Buddhist teaching. If a problem exists in a community or nation that manifests as a recurring problem in a healthcare setting it is the nurses role to address the larger issue and not just treat the manifestation in the healthcare setting. Cardiovascular disease among African-Americans, the obesity epidemic, low levels of health education... These are areas that can be addressed both in the microsystem of bedside or outpatient care as well as through advocacy, research, democracy, community involvement, mentoring, etc.
I am looking forward with beginners eyes and eagerness to develop my professional practice. When I started this program I was excited by the calls from my teachers to view our profession as fluid and full of continuous learning. I don't think that I will ever be "done" as a nurse. That is one of the most exciting things about this profession.
Self Determination: Treat patients as autonomous individuals capable of making their own decisions. My fiancee recently described working with a parent who was trying to get their child to stop playing with water. I was impressed with her ability to hold the parent's point of view as well as the child's in the interaction that followed. My reaction to hearing the situation was "I would have been like, 'it is okay if they play with water, we can clean it up later." However, such a response would have undermined the parent's authority and potentially confused the child if there is an expectation around such play that will be enforced when the child is not in that setting. Likewise, patients have different frames of reference from my own and it is not only counterproductive to impose my beliefs on them but also disruptive to their health and overall well being. Buddhism takes the long-view. The Buddha was enlightened some 2500 years ago and set out to "save all beings," however he did not exhaust himself trying to force people to accept one "way" of doing things. In one story he sits in silence as a learned man sits and questions him, finally leaving convinced that the Buddha is a sham and has nothing to offer. When asked why he was silent by his disciples the Buddha replied that the man didn't really want to hear he just wanted to argue. It was not appropriate to teach what would not be heard.
Beneficence: Work for the benefit of the patient. This includes the axiom "first, do no harm" common among doctors, and includes a wider sphere of active participation in ensuring the patient's well-being. I can see how the art of nursing becomes important as potential conflicts exist between my personal and cultural norms and standards and the patient's right to self determination. I am beginning to see my role as educator and advocate as potentially more fluid and dynamic than I thought. Perhaps each patient brings a new frame of reference and boundaries within which my work to benefit a patient is somewhat constrained. I say "somewhat" because I think it is also my role to explore these boundaries with patients and push to expand them where appropriate.
Justice: Treat all patients equally and fairly. I referred to this in an earlier entry in which I saw the orange jumpsuit of prison patients as a kind of meditation bell. A reminder to slow down and give the best care possible regardless of cultural learning that disregards prison populations, lower social classes, and minorities in general. A number of readings in my program have also highlighted the role of nurses not only in their care settings but also in their communities. This is a very Buddhist teaching. If a problem exists in a community or nation that manifests as a recurring problem in a healthcare setting it is the nurses role to address the larger issue and not just treat the manifestation in the healthcare setting. Cardiovascular disease among African-Americans, the obesity epidemic, low levels of health education... These are areas that can be addressed both in the microsystem of bedside or outpatient care as well as through advocacy, research, democracy, community involvement, mentoring, etc.
I am looking forward with beginners eyes and eagerness to develop my professional practice. When I started this program I was excited by the calls from my teachers to view our profession as fluid and full of continuous learning. I don't think that I will ever be "done" as a nurse. That is one of the most exciting things about this profession.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
New Years Wedding
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson (often attributed to Nelson Mandela)This reading was shared at a wedding I recently attended. It has been a touchstone for me since then and I find myself returning to it for strength. The other day I thought "it would be easier for me to do this if I had known someone else to have done it." Then this quote popped up and I thought, "If I do this I can be that example for someone else." That was hugely self-empowering.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)