Self and Non-Self

Reviewing Inflammation and Immunity in my Med/Surg textbook this morning I chuckled at the section title "Self and Non-Self" thinking "so different from the Buddhist use of these words."  Then I stopped and thought "wait, is that true?"

The terms self and non-self in the textbook are very similar to how we often perceive self and other.  In this view we are a solid entity with some permanence until we die.  Other is everything else.  Foreign proteins are recognized as other and a healthy immune system acts to neutralize the "threat."

Many toxins are not proteins or are not recognized as foreign.  Our body does not recognize them as other but they can still do harm to our cells, organs, and bodies.  Some harmless foreign proteins trigger an immune response and cause allergies ranging from uncomfortable to life-threatening.  Sometimes our bodies own functions are highjacked to propagate more of what caused an infection in the first place.  Lastly, sometimes our bodies recognize our own proteins as foreign resulting in autoimmune disorders.

It seems to me that our immune system and our ego function similarly.  It serves us well most of the time, but sometimes it misses harmful things because they look familiar, sometimes it is hyperactive and causes more harm than good, sometimes it aids what it is trying to avoid, and sometimes it turns on the self.

When I have asked Buddhist teachers about effective ways to deal with conflict the response is often some form of "work on your self."  Buddhism does not teach the shunning of self, but rather a very deep understanding and acceptance of self which leads to the realization that the self is not separate from anything else.

Present Action & Future Change

I lay on my back a month ago in a Yin Yoga pose.  I was stretching my thighs which have been tight as long as I can remember.  Yin has the curious habit of releasing stuck energy in parts of the body and sending this energy as pictures, feelings, emotions, and physical sensations to the brain.  In this pose I was overcome with relaxation and release of tension and accompanying positive emotions.  I had been having trouble making time for this practice everyday for a few weeks at that point despite knowing that it would feel good and energize me.

Instantly my thoughts turned to "I should do more of this,"  "I should institutionalize this into my day,"  "I should make myself get up early every morning and do this before anything else..."

The the irony hit me... By "planning" to take care of myself I moved away from the activity that I was so enjoying.  I felt that some of the tension had returned as my thoughts drifted to the future and how I would use tools like schedules and timers to keep me on track and taking care of myself.  I am not denying the utility of these tools and the fact that I do and will continue to use them, however, the following occurred to me:

PERHAPS, THE BEST WAY TO CREATE FUTURE ACTION IS TO ACT IN THE DESIRED MANNER PRESENTLY.

It seems obvious to my logical self that getting into patterns of action increase the probability of the action in the future, but there is a difference between knowing something in my head and knowing it in every cell of my body.  Laying on the floor I could feel the truth in this thought.

Thich Nhat Hahn speeks of our "habit energies."  There is a Zen story about a man riding a galloping horse backwards.  A bystander yells after him "where are you going?" to which he replies "I don't know, ask the horse."  The horse is our habit energy.  Rather than act we often react driven by these energies.

He also describes the seeds that exist in the depths of our unconscious.  Seeds for all thoughts and actions exist in each of us.  Seeds that are unwholesome such as distrust, betrayal, stealing, etc. reside alongside seeds of love, respect, generosity, and enlightenment.  Thich Nhat Hahn describes how we can either water the wholesome seeds or the unwholesome seeds.  Watering wholesome seeds takes conscious effort, and the result is  in growth of

Since my Yin experience I have been more aware of myriad ways that I act both skillfully (consciously in-line with my values) and unskillfully (runconsciously), and I am noticing the seeds that I am watering with less judgment and less planning for avoiding the actions and thought that cause harm.  Instead I find myself catching myself and acting in the present to water the seeds that I want to nourish in the present.  I think that may be the most effective way for me to cultivate a life reflective of my values.

I believe that this practice not only helps me, but also benefits those around me and even strangers.  This embodies the Buddhist teaching of non-self.  No being is truly free until all beings are free.  By staying in the present and doing things like Yin I have more energy available to be with others.  I saw this in the three mornings that I got up at 4 AM to do Yin before my clinical rotation at the hospital.  Although I got an hour less sleep I generally had more energy, learned more, and established closer connection with patients those days.  I will close with a version of the Metta Meditation in the spirit of this learning:

May all beings be free

May all beings be happy and healthy

May all beings be safe

And may the many blessings of this practice continue to benefit all beings as I go forward in my day.

Holocaust Patient

Last week I had the experience of working with a patient who left Germany as a teen ager and returned four years later (in 1932) with the Army.  I was feeling very tired and really wanted to just take a nap, but when I got back to the unit I got my patient up for a late lunch (he was napping).  I straightened the room and noticed a book with a German title and asked if he spoke German and when he left Germany.  I asked him if he had ever returned and he said that he had but that it was always hard for him.

As we talked more he became more solemn and said "You know we are part of the animal world but we are the only animals that kill our own kind."  I noticed a shift in the conversation and got down on his level and I listened to his story for I don't know how long.  I will not share the details of our conversation, but there was intense sharing of pain and opening up on his part and a lot of being present and listening on my part.  There were points were I noticed my habit energies wanting to interject, but I was able to stay in the moment with his experience and I believe that we both benefited from this mindfulness.

He shared a lot of pain.  Pain that I think really needed the outlet that our conversation afforded.  It would have been all too easy to move on or not get down to his level physically, but I believe that having the luxury of time as a student I was able to offer a therapeutic outlet as well as learn a lot myself.  After our conversation I took an afternoon break and when I returned I felt such a desire to give him the best few hours that I could.  I don't think that I did anything differently, but I felt different.  It was a special interaction which I will not forget.

Another reason to remember this man was that I started my first IV on this patient at the end of the shift.  Starting an IV feels so "nurse like" in the ways that I viewed nursing a year ago as I started my program.  Connecting with a patient as a fellow person and providing a therapeutic outlet for their pain feels so "nurse like" in a different and equally or perhaps more valuable way.

Sitting with Discomfort

I am dedicating this poem to a friend who helped me out the other day.  Thank you Letteria.

Sitting in the Discomfort

Running away,

I cannot see

What is after me is before me

I have not listened for so long

No wonder you look so hurt

No wonder it is painful to face you now

Facing before

Sitting in the discomfort

We are free

Lifelong practice

Habits of being

Present in the perfection of now