What is the point of Zazen?

I just received the latest issue of Buddhadharma in the mail.  It confirmed a suspicion/fear that I have been holding lately.  Arthur Braverman's piece on the teachings of Kosho Uchiyama Roshi gives an example of a thought shared by many (myself included).

"I once practiced zazen and felt clear-headed and I want to experience that feeling again."

Zazen is the practice of sitting with what arises.  It is what is going on in pictures of seated monks with good posture.  Sometimes what arises are feelings of peace, calm, clarity.  Other times the brain will not be quiet and tangential thoughts are the norm.  I have often heard it taught that when this happens one can just notice that one is thinking (because that is what is arising at the moment) and return to the center.  This is often immediately followed by another thought.  I remember one teacher saying "Your brain may only be quiet for 2 seconds during the entire sitting, and that is okay."

The reason that is okay is because that is what is arising at the moment.  The practice is to be deeply present in the present moment.  However, there is often in my experience a grasping at clarity, stillness, peace.  This is coupled with thoughts of "doing it wrong" when thoughts arise.  I can laugh at these "negative" thoughts about doing it wrong because they are what is present and to label them as negative is just funny because all they really are is that "they are."  They exist in the mind and are illusions in reality.

So what is the fear that was confirmed by this article?  That the "right way" to meditate (the way that feels good and clear) is no more "right" than feeling like crap because nothing seems to be going right.  It is a challenge to sit with the feelings that arise from bills, not enough money, too little time, too much reading, unclear assignments, etc.

Zen teaches that these things are just illusions after all.  However, it is spiritual bypass to say that these things are just illusion and forget about them, and it is incomplete knowledge to cling to what feels good but is equally illusory.  That is the part that I am having trouble with now.  Feelings of peace, calm, and clarity, are just as fleeting as moments of sadness and fear.  Grasping is the route of suffering in Buddhism, and to grasp at "positive" feelings and to avoid "negative" feelings (also a form of grasping) does not allow a person to live in the present.  These tactics are ALWAYS based on the future.  They are ways to avoid feeling differently or to feel differently in the future.  They are ways that we cling to what is "positive" and run from what is "negative," and in the process rob ourselves of the present.  The present is all there is.