Intentions

I recently attended a talk by Dr. Eduardo Duran (http://soulhealing16.com/home).  He has been practicing psychology with Native Americans for over 20 years and talked about how his style developed from a western style, which did not work to a style based on and in the culture of the population he serves.  The entire talk was amazing and touched on many different areas and I am choosing to only explore two of those areas in this entry.

Dr. Duran talked about language and intention.  He pointed out that a major difference between English and most aboriginal languages around the world is the focus on nouns.  In English we refer to people as things (e.g. "there is a woman"), while other languages would say "womaning is here."  The difference is not just semantics, but rather a frame of mind.  Nouns are seen as living entities!  Entities with their own life.  Therefore, it is no surprise that someone labelled as "woman" is expected to live up to the stereotypes associated by culture with "woman."

This is drastically different from a culture in which a term such as "womaning" is used.  In such a context "womaning" is a dynamic state which exists currently while not labeling and therefore limiting the person.  He also described the use of nouns to label people in his own practice.  If you diagnose and label a person as "depressed" or even "diabetic" that person takes on the label as part of them.  The noun becomes a living entity within them.  Nouns also have more permanence than verbs and therefore are more persistent through time.

Dr. Duran works with people to "move along" things that are stuck.  This wording recognizes the nature of energy which can neither be created or destroyed, but can be transformed.  One tool that he uses is looking at intention.  An example he gives is alcohol which can be used ritually to bless (eventurning into the blood of God in some traditions).  Alcohol can also be used with the intents of forgetting, avoiding, numbing, etc., and in such a context is poison.

I have noticed a shift in intentions in my own life which has been troubling me lately.  I did not have a context to put this struggle in, but I believe it is part of what has been blocking my writing lately.  One of my major self-care rituals for the last year has been a daily Yin Yoga practice.  I have been amazed at the difference in how my body feels, how clear my mind is, how calm I am in stressful situations,and even how steady my handwriting and speed of my reading increase when I have completed this daily ritual.  I sleep sounder and generally wake up more rested than I used to.

Originally I thought of this practice as a way to love myself and honor my body.  Over the last few months I have missed about one day a week and I have noticed the difference late in the day and the following day.  I have described it as returning to what used to be my baseline, except now it is painful and frustrating.  It has caused me to be judgmental about missing opportunities to do Yoga and to do the practice for the sake of doing it rather than as a method of intentionally loving myself.

I now see that my attention and intention shifted from self-love and self-care to an intention of avoiding discomfort.  The daily Yin practice has never been "easy" and has always represented a challenge, but with this shift in intention the practice has become even harder and less loving.  I am confident that I will return to a spirit of self-love and I think that the knowledge gained from Dr. Duran's talk and other recent experiences are invaluable in this pursuit.  It is my intention to love myself by refocusing my efforts on loving all the aspects of myself including the part of me that wants to avoid discomfort.  I think that my body has a lot to teach me and I am returning to a spirit of listening to what it has to offer.

What is the point of Zazen?

I just received the latest issue of Buddhadharma in the mail.  It confirmed a suspicion/fear that I have been holding lately.  Arthur Braverman's piece on the teachings of Kosho Uchiyama Roshi gives an example of a thought shared by many (myself included).

"I once practiced zazen and felt clear-headed and I want to experience that feeling again."

Zazen is the practice of sitting with what arises.  It is what is going on in pictures of seated monks with good posture.  Sometimes what arises are feelings of peace, calm, clarity.  Other times the brain will not be quiet and tangential thoughts are the norm.  I have often heard it taught that when this happens one can just notice that one is thinking (because that is what is arising at the moment) and return to the center.  This is often immediately followed by another thought.  I remember one teacher saying "Your brain may only be quiet for 2 seconds during the entire sitting, and that is okay."

The reason that is okay is because that is what is arising at the moment.  The practice is to be deeply present in the present moment.  However, there is often in my experience a grasping at clarity, stillness, peace.  This is coupled with thoughts of "doing it wrong" when thoughts arise.  I can laugh at these "negative" thoughts about doing it wrong because they are what is present and to label them as negative is just funny because all they really are is that "they are."  They exist in the mind and are illusions in reality.

So what is the fear that was confirmed by this article?  That the "right way" to meditate (the way that feels good and clear) is no more "right" than feeling like crap because nothing seems to be going right.  It is a challenge to sit with the feelings that arise from bills, not enough money, too little time, too much reading, unclear assignments, etc.

Zen teaches that these things are just illusions after all.  However, it is spiritual bypass to say that these things are just illusion and forget about them, and it is incomplete knowledge to cling to what feels good but is equally illusory.  That is the part that I am having trouble with now.  Feelings of peace, calm, and clarity, are just as fleeting as moments of sadness and fear.  Grasping is the route of suffering in Buddhism, and to grasp at "positive" feelings and to avoid "negative" feelings (also a form of grasping) does not allow a person to live in the present.  These tactics are ALWAYS based on the future.  They are ways to avoid feeling differently or to feel differently in the future.  They are ways that we cling to what is "positive" and run from what is "negative," and in the process rob ourselves of the present.  The present is all there is.