Imagine that you are sitting down in a private movie theater to watch the screening of a new Ken Burns documentary. The subject of the film is... you. This silver screen hangs limply at the front of the room waiting for the lights to dim, and the projector is being tinkered with like a classroom A/V cart.
The film opens at your birth and moves quickly through times before your own memories. It tugs at the heart strings in ways that only old photographs of family can. Your first memories hit the screen and you are overcome with how cool it is that a great documentarian has put your life on film. You see things that you barely remember which sparks images in your mind long hidden or covered in dust.
It feels odd to see your life through the camera lens, through a different perspective. The angle is not the way you remember things. Maybe you think, “I thought the chair was over there,” and “wow our dog was so small, I thought he was bigger.” Perhaps this is discomfiting, or playful and neat.
For me the movie becomes more confusing as it progresses. There are a lot of good times presented and I can’t help but smile and cry a little, but the lighting is always different than I remember, the colors are off, and the dialogue is so unclear. The hard times are shown as well. Again things are not the way that I remember. The arguments have no point, my arguments have no point, and I look sadder than I remember. I am starting to get mad a Ken Burns. I remember that day vividly and he messed up the shot. He made me look bad and now it is on film and no one will believe me.
Recent insight sparked this analogy. It occurs to me that I got the message that my subjective self (my experience through my own eyes) was not seen or understood by those around me. The truth (my truth) is that I spent a lot of my childhood feeling really alone and misunderstood. I felt objectified (like an object for others projections). I felt like the screen at the front of the room.
When I would get into conflicts I often just wanted to be told that I was okay for feeling the way that I was feeling. That could have been followed with “however we are not allowing you to...” Maybe I was told this, but I remember being told that I “just wanted to argue,” which was just another projection that felt incongruous to my experience and was therefore more isolating.
In discussing this insight it was pointed out to me that some people take on the projections of other more easily than others. I think that I learned to avoid conflict by taking on the projections of others at times. However, doing so has always induced an uneasy feeling in my gut and I have often isolated myself at times to avoid this feeling.
As I sit and write our dog is standing at my side. I am projecting that she is hungry but she cannot communicate clearly just as I couldn’t clearly communicate how lonely I felt. I project my experience onto others just as often as others' experience is projected onto me.
With this insight I am starting to feel a real shape taking form. A form which can hold its own in the face of projections. I think this shape will sit back, relax and laugh with family, friends, and strangers as the film of my life plays out regardless of whose lens is projecting. It is the present moment in a movie theater with wonderful people that is most important to me now.
